a road we don't know

update: three weeks ago i hopped a plane to syracuse to hang out with cameron and work for a woman (sharon) restoring her pre-civil war house. we stained floors, sanded and painted stairs, restored historical things (including an 1852 grand piano!), and drank lots of mountain dew.  when we werent working, most of the time we were sleeping, and if not that we were having fires, walking in cornfields, eating in diners, celebrating birthdays, going to church, watching movies, and i in particular, was enjoying the new york country summer. no savannah, i did not pine for your heat and humidity.
then, two days ago we got in the car and headed for houghton.  it felt completely normal, passing through geneseo, going to the DG for food...but this isnt mine anymore. it is familiar as always and i will forever know the little secrets it holds...and yes, it will always welcome me- but its not mine.  there is a new batch of hearts here, bound to fall in love and hate with her, and that is good.  i still know faces and love some of them like my life depends on it, but it is their last year now, nine months to live through and tie things up in.
so this is where i am. at first i planned on leaving for the roadtrip next tuesday, suzanne picking me up as we start west, but a call from her yesterday brought news that we'd be delayed another week because of things with her job...it's fine, but so the flux time continues. i might stay here, i might go back home home.  who knows. there MUST be a purpose for all of this lack of control.

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anyway, i wrote this next thing before i wrote that little update...after typing all those words i figured you'd need some sort of backdrop for all of my disconnectedness...

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i miss things. things like home, and having a room that fills me up and feels like me.  thinking back to find something that feels good i come to a memory of late high school.  i had painted over the angsty black and red with bright peace and covered it with dreams and all kinds of reminders that somewhere in life there is beauty.

i tore it all down this past august- i felt so detached from those things, felt like i didnt live up to those beautiful ideals.  a cool blue and a gray/brown took over with a few emotionally loaded pieces of art. it was how i felt, in the sense that i didnt know how i felt...it was what i knew, what was...i dont know, its confusing.

this past winter and spring was terribly hard and sad, so upon coming home i repainted again. same colors, just different walls and even less things upon them to look at. it's not me. something died. it probably looks fine and normal and functioning, but it doesnt have the life in it that i am craving. this all probably seems over thought and dramatic, but this is how i am- every space i inhabit must become a cave of safety and encouragement. and ive lost that.

im sure there are countless positives to my transient life, things about growing and getting out from under my own skin, but i miss being settled and now that i've essentially left home, even dunsbach road cant be the same as it has been.  it's been 5 weeks of borrowing beds and living out of a suitcase...and i am tired.


please pray that i pray more, that i can shake the bad stuff that always seems to follow me, no matter where i lay my head at night.


i miss you all, and i miss myself a little.
stay hopeful.