a road we don't know

update: three weeks ago i hopped a plane to syracuse to hang out with cameron and work for a woman (sharon) restoring her pre-civil war house. we stained floors, sanded and painted stairs, restored historical things (including an 1852 grand piano!), and drank lots of mountain dew.  when we werent working, most of the time we were sleeping, and if not that we were having fires, walking in cornfields, eating in diners, celebrating birthdays, going to church, watching movies, and i in particular, was enjoying the new york country summer. no savannah, i did not pine for your heat and humidity.
then, two days ago we got in the car and headed for houghton.  it felt completely normal, passing through geneseo, going to the DG for food...but this isnt mine anymore. it is familiar as always and i will forever know the little secrets it holds...and yes, it will always welcome me- but its not mine.  there is a new batch of hearts here, bound to fall in love and hate with her, and that is good.  i still know faces and love some of them like my life depends on it, but it is their last year now, nine months to live through and tie things up in.
so this is where i am. at first i planned on leaving for the roadtrip next tuesday, suzanne picking me up as we start west, but a call from her yesterday brought news that we'd be delayed another week because of things with her job...it's fine, but so the flux time continues. i might stay here, i might go back home home.  who knows. there MUST be a purpose for all of this lack of control.

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anyway, i wrote this next thing before i wrote that little update...after typing all those words i figured you'd need some sort of backdrop for all of my disconnectedness...

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i miss things. things like home, and having a room that fills me up and feels like me.  thinking back to find something that feels good i come to a memory of late high school.  i had painted over the angsty black and red with bright peace and covered it with dreams and all kinds of reminders that somewhere in life there is beauty.

i tore it all down this past august- i felt so detached from those things, felt like i didnt live up to those beautiful ideals.  a cool blue and a gray/brown took over with a few emotionally loaded pieces of art. it was how i felt, in the sense that i didnt know how i felt...it was what i knew, what was...i dont know, its confusing.

this past winter and spring was terribly hard and sad, so upon coming home i repainted again. same colors, just different walls and even less things upon them to look at. it's not me. something died. it probably looks fine and normal and functioning, but it doesnt have the life in it that i am craving. this all probably seems over thought and dramatic, but this is how i am- every space i inhabit must become a cave of safety and encouragement. and ive lost that.

im sure there are countless positives to my transient life, things about growing and getting out from under my own skin, but i miss being settled and now that i've essentially left home, even dunsbach road cant be the same as it has been.  it's been 5 weeks of borrowing beds and living out of a suitcase...and i am tired.


please pray that i pray more, that i can shake the bad stuff that always seems to follow me, no matter where i lay my head at night.


i miss you all, and i miss myself a little.
stay hopeful.

too much beauty for only two eyes.

susanna- benjamin francis leftwich. i might die. at the least i might cry. so. good. soul swelling kind of stuff. thank you, again.

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i have just spent the last 45 minutes creeping susanna on facebook. i recommend it as a wonderful sunday afternoon activity for anyone of any age. i think i've stock piled around 20 photos from the interwebs now, but it just doesnt seem like enough. there is so much to this girl that no photo could ever capture.  i have known her by third party description (via marissa) since spring of 2010 when they all were in france together.  since the beginning susanna has been a resounding "yes" in the awesomeness file of my brain. i first met her (and rachel self, to come soon!) in February when i made my mid-winter escape to the south...i felt so creepy at the time, meeting her after having loved her from afar, already feeling like we should be in each others lives forevermore. she ended up coming to NY with marissa for 3 weeks in june, even getting to visit my tribute-to-france installation in houghton.  after hanging out more regularly with her over those weeks, i felt a little less creepy/frighteningly over enthusiastic but still very much excited that she existed.
susanna is a painter, and a really REALLY wonderful one at that.  she is a thinker, and you can tell that by her paintings, so often pursuing an idea through an image, using her work as a way to reason through things...at least, thats what a lot of it seems like to me (plus i've cheated and read her artist statement for her most recent work...).  she has worked in all sorts of mediums and sizes and everything is always amazing.

-stop blushing/denying the truth woman. this is my blog, and i will tell the truth.-

last quarter was portrait painting and so there now exists a wall of almost 50 personal and never overstated portraits.  her work is never cliche, never trite.  at the same time she was creating the portraits she was also taking a large format painting class...8 foot tall greatness, using her hair as inspiration.

anyway, though her work is definitely amazing, susanna is susanna beyond the makings of her hands.

one of my first creeptastic moves was to paint a portrait of her from this photo. 

yes, before i had met her. 

i knowwww. 

anyway, i gave it to marissa and marissa in turn gave it to sus/her mom, and that is that.

i also sent her a poster of monet's water lilies that i had but didnt need anymore.

she get's giddy, quiet, all sorts of speechless smiles, troubled, and content from looking at artwork.

it is good.

 i think she is a wanderer.

this is good, but i am glad she is rooted in these friends i have adopted.

she loves nature.

by the end of their time in france marissa had told me that if they didnt see sus at lunch it was likely because she had chosen to, once again, climb the mountain ridge near their little town.

she is a musician of many talents, but she is yet more than this as well.

still, the songs she pulls, strums, and presses out of those instruments are things that could save.  i was at her house last night for a dinner party her parents were hosting and it turned into an impromptu concert.  from the guests we heard puerto rican folk and classical guitar, classical and contemporary piano, and then finally, this girls voice.  she played an acoustic version of abba's lay all your love on me- please trust me when i say that it was so hauntingly beautiful.  later she played naked as we came by iron & wine and at its conclusion i was just so moved by the whole experience- her humility, her rich voice- i was just so proud to know her and count her as a friend.

sorry if i am weirding you out sus. it can't be helped.

time to marvel at her beauty, but i hope by now that you know for sure it is not only skin deep:

yup. thats forreal.

most of these photos were taken by marissa, i think, and i swiped them all from facebook, so due credit to those who created the others but have not been named.

...and this is where i found her right before starting to write this.

reading, in the hot georgia sun, with a basil plant for company.

 oh su-sanna. you are good.

ohhh barissa.

susanna. i love you for this music. you sit 7 feet away petitioning for Thomasina, and sun kil moon sits in my ear...or swims...whatever they do, they are doing it well.

ohh wow. so much has happened since the last blog transmission. i will try to spare you from so many words this time, but it might be hard...so much life!

before i begin though, i think you new york people need to know who i am going to be talking about for the rest of forever.

i think most everyone knows marissa, but in case you want to stare at her beautiful face without stalking her on facebook, here you go :o)

sometimes she lives in france and leads a crazy beautiful adventure of a life.

sometimes she takes pictures in the year 2007 and blows me away with her beauty.

that beauty remains/has grown by now, but i think there has been a decrease in the number of self indulgent glamour photoshoots- marissa, please change this. thanks.

sometimes always she is my best friend.

13 years as my right hand, other brain, heart, and laughter.

we just signed a lease for a beautiful house that i will share with you in due time!

she is a great, intentional photographer and really talented graphic designer (currently working on redesigning all the harry potter book covers! so. awesome. perhaps i will snoop on her computer some day and find pictures to share...since she's being a poop about starting her own blog :oP)

...success! this is one piece she made (way back at houghton) in digital imaging class about three of the seven deadly sins...this is wrath, and yes, that is me. we have forever been collaborators with her photo work, and this shoot was actually born from a makeshift studio being rigged up in our dorm room. perfect.

i lerv her.

that is all.

everything ever

hello my darling peoples :o)
updates on my life are long overdue, and i figured this might be a good way to keep everything, everyone in the loop.
i am currently occupying a booth at paneras in downtown savannah where two hours ago i enjoyed a breakfast of a chocolate chip cookie and mountain dew...oh the glories of unlimited fountain drink refills!  i have been coming downtown with marissa when she has class to look for a job (clearly i can focus on that task so well...).  I've put in applications at a couple art supply stores, some clothing stores, a natural soap store, and a honey shop (om nom), and now it's just a waiting game to see if anything comes through.  the art stores would obviously be heavenly, but we'll see.

summer previous to getting down here was all kinds of crazy.  my mom and i spent a good deal of time going through every single thing residing in our garage, throwing out or donating probably 75% of what we found- resulting in SIXTEEN of those giant plastic storage containers empty and retired to their temporary cemetery of the front yard. it felt so good to purge all of that stuff out of our lives. sure, there was a lot of sentimental stuff, but if its sitting in a box on a shelf we aren't "giving it honor," so what's the point? we love the memories and people that those things remind us of...we don't need every stuffed animal or knick knack ever created to remember them.  it was great working with my mom like that, telling stories and spurring each other on to just let go of all of it...after all, "the tornado is coming!"

so, after weeks and weeks...months, i suppose, i was ready- in the sense that i was packed, at least. i planned to drive down july18th, staying overnight somewhere in the carolinas (as decreed by the grandparents who were afraid for my endurance). before that, though, i had a few more adventures to put under my belt.  after much fussing and things, i semi-spontaneously drove out to camerons house north of syracuse for his sisters wedding.  i had just dropped my mom off at the airport at the unholy hour of 5:30am that morning, and after passing out for over 5 hours after getting home i ended up leaving so late that i only got there for the very end of the reception...and by very end i mean they were starting to tear down. whoops. it all worked out though, because i still got to see the lovebirds off and gift them...and then continue to eat their wedding food for the next four days.  that night we camped at cams grandmas house with adam (he came to houghton/hung out in brown house when we did our photo shoot, remember?) and brian, a childhood friend.  all things campfire and acoustic guitars...and then boys talking about pokemon for HOURS until i died into my sleep. oh my heavens. we did good things for the soul like:
-going to a glorious waterfall where people dating back to 1920 have carved their names or messages into the rocks at the top. so awesome and lovely. the sun set perfectly over the crest of the tall, tall fall.

-wading/falling into lake ontario and into the sunset there.
-hanging out by ponds in the shade talking to family and feeling the love
-walking through flowers and eating wild blueberries
-laying in fields with happy daddy long legs (sorry kristen!)
-eating at mom & pop diners...om nom sweet potato fries!
-being quiet and just soaking it all in (this was mostly a "me" activity. simple smiles and a peaceful heart.)
-meeting so many faces and places that previously were only names. this includes meeting a billion happy kitties. yesss.
-sitting on porches and taking over 2 hours to say goodbye.

it was so good and i didnt want to go, but i had already milked an extra day out of it by the time i really needed to go.  the drive back home was perfect, no music, just the open road and windows, a clear night sky for company. i am so, so glad that i went. thank you thibault clan, thank you orwell.

i left on a tuesday, and that saturday i was off to yet another wedding, the third one of the potential five i could have attended this summer had i stayed in NY. this one was for the one and only, lovely beth jancewicz- and eric stevenson, of course :o) another 3 hour drive, this one to the almost ocean of connecticut, just as happy as my other drive, but this time with the new bon iver for company.  sunny and perfectly summer, the country roads took me through the berkshires of massachusetts to a state i had yet to check off on my list of travel conquests.  i got there early because im obsessively paranoid about being late to these things so i wandered in the churches backyard woods waiting for things to get going. there were so many houghton people there it was crazy! ...but not surprising. it was amazing how much people i have just graduated with a few months ago have already changed (jon, etc). anywho, it was lovely to see all of those friendly recurring acquaintances, but what i was really looking forward to was...drumroll...greg and jess. and what a special reunion it was! love them so much, and it was just such a comfort to see both of them again, something solid and familiar, people that know who i am and still love me...you know?  it was like no time had passed.  you can read her account of the day on her blog here (as im sure you all already have).  miss jess made the aisle decorations for the wedding and they came out so well! the whole wedding was magical really. random things that i remember loving:
-beth walked down the aisle to cloud cult
-their first dance was elliot smith
-they served communion with rainbow bread- such a beautiful thing to stop the mechanical, assumed flow of a wedding to pause and be thankful, be reminded of redemption.
-wildflowers. everywhere.
-the wedding was held in the playground/woods area of the church. so perfect. there were trees growing throughout the rows of chairs.
-they served indian foooooooood. forever yummy. and pies! so many pies. instantly ate two pieces. uh-huh.
-beth was beautimous with her white hair and vintage looking dress- for the reception she took off the bottom two tiers of lace to make a cute little dress that she wore aqua leggings and orange shoes with! of course. :o)
-she made the programs/everything ever and it was just perfect and totally "them."
-i got to see gary and wendy! totally forgot they would be there, such a nice surprise.
-theres so much more, but i might die/bore you thinking about any more of it.  suffice to say, it was a good day. the night drive home brought a great sunset and even far away fireworks at one point. i really couldnt have asked for better.

...now, if youre doing your math, that means beth's wedding was July 16th...and when did i say i was leaving? oh. right. the 18th. no big deal.

...etrhijwerg;nwrghbthi!!!

but the timing of things wasnt the only crazy thing. long story short, turns out my car is toast.  after taking it to 3 different shops and consulting with my mechanic brother, we gave her the death sentence. transmission down the tubes, or potentially so...along with the need of a brake job, broken a/c, coolant sucking, and mysterious check engine light issues, we decided to let it go.  so then, how does one move to georgia under these conditions, you ask? ah. yes. train.

yes, i said that word.

TRAIN.
I LOVE TRAINS.

but, as you may have guessed, that meant paring things down quite a bit. i ended up taking a third of my wardrobe, fitting it into one suitcase. the other suitcase held a couple blankets, my air mattress (a.k.a. bed for the next year) and some loose tea (of course. strawberry green tea, represent!).  i had a backpack for all m other "life" things. novels, poetry, 35mm camera, external hard drive (retired the ol' thinkpad), and momentos from each of my loves.  oh! and dolly!

anyway, it was the longest train ride in human history. i got on in albany around 10:30am and didnt get into savannah till 6:45 the next morning. whaaaaat!?  i did have a lovely seat partner, barbara, from penn station to savannah though.  we talked about family, the south, i gave her a crocheted flower that she tied onto her purse, and she shared her mini chips ahoy with me. entirely lovely.  i broke up the long leg of the trip by taking dinner in the dining car.  since i was traveling alone they had me share a booth with another guy that was also flying solo.  his name was ali and he is a sophomore(?) at VCU.  after moving over the states 2 years ago from saudi arabia he has had six (i think it was actually more, but i cant remember) surgeries to correct a leg problem- this trip being his last to remove all of the hardware.  we didnt really have much to talk about, but we turned it into a celebratory dinner anyhow.  he was rather small in stature and couldnt finish his dinner, but since he had a sleeping room and his dinner was free he ended up ordering a dessert and letting me indulge. chocolate forever!

i didnt really sleep too much on the train and apparently took this picture somewheres around 2:30 in the morning.

...not my best look.

since being in savannah we have celebrated a birthday of a lovely friend, found a great house to rent downtown (affordable too!), played frisbee in the park, spontaneously went to the beach at night, sat in coffee shops for hours, had good living room floor talks, watched ridiculous movies (justin bieber anyone?), wandered the streets and sat in squares.  i definitely miss things about upstate new york. my family (kitty included), backyard living, open spaces, wildflowers...but it is good to move forward.

i have to go for now, but i will try with all my might to keep things flowing around here. i miss you all and love you to pieces, hoping each of your days is peaceful and well lived. see you soon!

p.s. please forgive my crappy cell phone pictures...unless i swipe marissa's iphone (oooh, ahhh! ...tempting.), this is all i have as far as digital pictures go :o)

LOVE.